Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.

Happy birthday to all the women

I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.

Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.

me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job

Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS

Voodoo map

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

Oh the world we live in…

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….

over 7k tabs down the drain….