Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
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1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Not today
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur