Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

Buying houses is mental

Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined

Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants

Not allowed to speak to the owner

Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.

i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg

A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”

Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.