Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
