huge if true: the moon
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Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Every work call, he judges.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.