Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”

Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really

The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.

My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?

Me:

Me:

Me: That’s exactly what it means.

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.

I’m the drunk sheep of the family.

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship

you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident

No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.