Sounds like a bargain
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[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
I’ve been drinking.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
