My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
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I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman