I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
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#FireSomeonePolitely
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Me trying to look natural in photos
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge