Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating

Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it

Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets

Therapist: absolutely not

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry

People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.

Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.

[face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.

Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag:

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.