Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.

Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.

[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]

*extreme rat noises*

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

Uh oh…

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification

😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

Ways in which I’m like a bus:

– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.