5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
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Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I’m awake but I object,
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”