Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.

My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too

AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to

I think about this a lot

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?

Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.

Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”

Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.