Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery

imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

i hope my email finds you on fire

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?

Me: No Sir it will be round

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

When someone says you are so lazy

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?

Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.