When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
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Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
dec 26 to jan 1 is like the days after spotify wrapped… you can listen to/do whatever you want and it doesn’t count against next year’s naughty list
Breaking news:
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Saint West, the patron of selfies
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.