Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.

Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.

date: i love mussels

me: i hate working out

date: i mean from the sea

me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”

COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob

Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.

reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards

Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?

Me: Yes, socks

Toddler: No!!

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

[entering the office]

Coworker: How are you?

Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.

Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?

Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?

me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize

4: no

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…

My wife is available.

There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black

[mattress commercial]

husband: i like value

wife: but i want comfort

announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299

*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.

Seals are just dog mermaids.