Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

Finally a use for spoilers…

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

DETECTIVE: dear god

OFFICER: most likely yes

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”

Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.

There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered

“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.

“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

Me, scrolling to find my birth year

Her: come on over

Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe

Her: but I’m alone

Me: aren’t we all

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.

Teen: Huh?

Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.

Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!

I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years

Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.