My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
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Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?