Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
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If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.