I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
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I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I told the family that I had to go into work for a few hours but I’m actually just sitting out in the shed eating a bag of Baconators in peace.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
We watched Flight of the Navigator and my son asked if I had seen it before. I told him I saw it in the theater when it came out. “SERIOUSLY?!?” he asked. I said “yeah…why are you shocked?” and he goes, “Oh, sorry, I just never know what kind of technology y’all had back then.”
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
my sentiments exactly
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.