If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
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I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
boys are so easy to impress
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Whoops
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.