Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.

I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?

in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators

anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.

At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.

Every Crock-Pot recipe:

– throw in anything you have left in the house

– cook three to eleven hours.

My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining

My 10yo: but not pouring

Me: and the old man is not snoring

6yo:

10yo:

Me:

6yo: YOU’RE an old man

Me: 😑

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix

What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

me: i’m sorry

gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?

me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas

gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy

me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.

“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead