Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mars: I’m wet

NASA: I’m coming over

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?

Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.

My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere

MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man

420BLAZEIT: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

What do you call it when one banana eats another?

Cannibananabalism.

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.

[out to eat with in-laws]

Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne

Wife: Hey these are my parents

Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water

Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks

murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.

For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend