Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction

Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people

SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.

just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?

All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog

Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

I think I’m gonna be sick

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight