A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
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[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.