LMAO
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7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack