Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.

We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.

Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”

we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true

When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

Banderslack Clamberdorch

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.

Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”