Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
You Might Also Like
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots