Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-

Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

“What an awesome body-”

Oh… thanks. I work out-

“- of research.”

– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.

[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

[in doomsday bunker]

wife: we’re out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?

Me ~ Kerosene…

Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!

Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?

Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes

When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”

You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that