What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
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I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.