Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

reminder

I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN

My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.

Well played, old man. Well played.

Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch

Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…

“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.

Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.

I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”

She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”

Why?

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it