Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.

They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.

The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.

So, can we agree on 4 or

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!

because they’re holding me hostage

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out