My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
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Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.