Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
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5
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90

Me: Nailed it.

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.

I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her

My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

fellas is it cheating to call people by their names

Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

ㅤ

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

Police: Pull over and stop!

Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?

Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!

Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭

Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter

Science memes

Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.

“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”

my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.