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Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
What?!?
God has abandoned us.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti