I really had high hopes for this year though
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hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
A great tip. #CakeRex
i did the math
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.