Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”

Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?

Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)

someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve

Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…

Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?

Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.