Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down

Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother

*adds Doritos to wedding registry*

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

Me: the vacuum broke

Husband: that sucks

Me: no it doesn’t

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”

king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty

It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”

Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

Ok who’s got my black socks?

If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.

I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”

Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.

Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.

they should invent a rest for the wicked

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

*hears recording of my voice*

Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?

Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.