Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting

What

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

*Feels the chill*

Chill: I have a boyfriend

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face

there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me

prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

Dear waiter,

You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.

Love,
David

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.

TREE: omg what happened to you

LOG: i was hacked