Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
gentlemen, hear me out
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
