If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
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The game has officially changed 😎
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face