the only bumper sticker ill allow
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Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
Every. Damn. Time.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.