2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
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all i want is to be as happy as this potato
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”