Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Salad is the decaf of food.

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?

I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me

My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian

Me: you can just buy them?

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?