Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
You Might Also Like
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
live, laugh, laundry.