Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
You Might Also Like
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
drew a comic about my origin story
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree