Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

🤣🤣

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later

Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: I said no.

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.

Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.