got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
You Might Also Like
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there