You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
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[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
Before you take surf lessons, you have to sign a waver.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.