You Might Also Like
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”