I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
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For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Suuuuure
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.