Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever

me:

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.

10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”

Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.

Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

ME: I’ve fallen for you.

JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

Breaking news:

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]